My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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