The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
