Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How does one acquire holy water?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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