I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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