Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
