I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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