there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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