Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
