here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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