TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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