but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
