I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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