her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
