I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
