dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
