I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
