you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
