Everything about him screamed your future.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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