Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
