y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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