Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
