I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
