Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize