I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
