I think i peed on brittanys purse
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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