just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
