Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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