I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
