i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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