I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
