While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
