I met the friendliest cop last night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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