My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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