she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
