the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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