my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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