Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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