if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
