Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
