my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
farters have to be the big spoon...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When are your genitals available?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
