it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
