Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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