just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
