I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
