When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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