My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
