If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
