Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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