If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
