Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
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my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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