remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
