Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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