Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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