I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
