What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
