this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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