I have demons in me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
