I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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