They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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