I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
