no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
