When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
